Hide your kids, hide your wife, hide your husband! Run, don’t drive, for your life. There is a Diabolical Diverging Diamond of Doom on the loose at Exit 28 in Cornelius
Aggggg!
The reports coming in describe a nightmarish scene like those in this area have never known before. People are trapped in their cars. And the CARS ARE NOT MOVING. As one victim described it. “You know those dreams where you are running but you stay in one place? It’s like that. The cars are running, but we don’t get anywhere.”
A neighbor realizes how fortunate she is to have escaped the Diamond’s Hell. “I left the house and without thinking, headed straight for the Diamond. In the nick of time I turned and floored it down a back road. I’ve never been so scared in my entire life.”
Those who aren’t so lucky find themselves stuck in a web of traffic that holds them for days on end. They are prisoners, trapped in their own cars. That is when the Diamond strikes. It moves in and sucks the drivers’ souls out of them, just like a “Harry Potter” Dementor. When victims finally arrive at their destinations, they are mere shells of who they were before.
Others have simply disappeared. I spoke with Mrs. Mills, about her son.
“I begged Billy not to go to Taco Bell, but he wouldn’t listen. He had a real bad hankering for a Dorito Taco. Last I saw, he was heading down the street with Led Zeppelin blaring. That was Tuesday. I haven’t seen him since.”
Mrs. Mills isn’t alone in her agony. It seems everyone knows someone who has lost a soul to the Diamond. Women, children, grown men, and Chia pets have all vanished. No one is spared the Diamond’s wrath.
The real dirty work is being carried out by an army of Ninja Barrels under the Diamond’s command. They stealthily shift positions during the night, resulting in lane patterns that resemble a demolition derby. When daylight comes, innocents find themselves powerless against these orange and white striped beasts. They truly have super powers. While standing still, they can force an 18 wheeler to go where ever they desire. No one, but no one, can conquer the Ninja Barrels.
Some residents have changed their daily routines and now go through Canada instead of risking the Diamond. Others, behaving like little kids, have figured out how to break into line by zipping through Wendy’s side road. The kind and ignorant let these line-cutters in with a smile and a wave. Meanwhile, the driver behind this good Samaritan is aiming a rocket launcher at their tailpipe.
Locals have learned to stay in their homes unless there’s an emergency. It is the unsuspecting from Charlotte and Statesville who exit into this horrific trap. These sacrificial lambs have no idea they are heading straight into the Diamond’s lair. Oh, how they wish they had taken I-85 instead.
Believe it or not, a bit of good has come from this takeover. One couple returning home from the grocery store claimed their roast had slow cooked to perfection as they waited in the heat. A young man said his girlfriend loved the beard he grew on the way to her house. And one woman was thrilled to find her clothes were considered cool “retro” by the time she made it to work.
The numbers associated with this crisis are staggering. There have been 21 flat tires, 39 stalled cars, 73 wrecks, 789 meals consumed, 13 babies delivered and 56 babies conceived.
Due to public demand, an expert, Mr. Bond, Jimmy Bond, has been called in to advise us during this crisis. He claims Diamonds are forever, especially when they’re this large.
After close examination, he says the one at Exit 28 is of the highest quality. It has caused the “Four Cs” one looks for from a Diabolical Diamond of Doom: Congestion, Crowding, Chaos and Cussing.
But even a diamond this hard has a soft spot … pedestrians. Without the cars and the souls of those who drive them, the diamond is weak. Notice how tame it is on Sunday afternoons when the commuters are gone.
There is a way to end this terror. We need to park our cars, join hands and walk instead of driving over I-77. The traffic jam will cease to exist. If we don’t all come together and do this, the Diamond will continue feeding off us until it is fully grown.
Not willing to do this? Then sit back and be patient. Maybe upon completion it will be a kind, gentle Diamond. After all, right now, it’s just a Diamond in the rough.
