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The Town of Davidson is looking for citizens’ input on a proposal from the Climate Control Committee. Just as the Chinese have been using cloud seeding for years to make it rain, it is suggested we do the same here. The biggest obstacle is lack of funds.
I learned about this fascinating possibility while sharing a platter of sushi with the committee chair, Mr. Sunny Daze. “Davidson is this close to perfect, Mr. Daze said, holding the tips of his chopsticks 3/16 of an inch apart. All we need now is to control the weather.”
“Just think about it,” he continued. “We could have dry Town Day celebrations by seeding the clouds to rain the day before, just like they did in Beijing. Heck, if they can promise clear skies for something as trivial as the Olympics, surely we can provide sunshine for commencement and outdoor weddings in our own town. This is America!”
“Now, we know some farmers may complain about us controlling the area’s precipitation. We aren’t too worried about them. If local crops fail, buyers can always walk 10 feet to the closest Harris Teeter for fresh fruits and vegetables from all over the world. In Davidson, even our produce is well traveled.
While polishing off a California roll, Mr. Daze explained, “The only down side is the expense of this program. Seeding clouds is not cheap. You need to have the correct chemicals and the powerful cannons to shoot the rockets of silver iodide or calcium chloride into the atmosphere. There have been experiments using those guns that shoot T-shirts at Davidson basketball games. But they simply aren’t powerful enough.”
Shifting forward in his chair, Mr. Daze got down to the heart of the matter. “Right now, we are proposing money be shifted from the town’s wildlife fund. In past years, the town has budgeted over $20,000 for birds alone. I know it’s nice to have these feathered friends flown in to fill our old oaks. And yes, we do get a free bonus hawk for every 5,000 song birds ordered. But is this necessary? Think of how poop free our cars could be if we skipped these shipments next year.”
“I think it’s safe to say the funds for squirrels can be totally eliminated. The town took advantage of a ‘buy one, get three free,’ promotion years ago. Not the best decision, if you ask me.”
He waited to see if I protest, then continued: “Obviously, there are enough deer and snakes, also. Oh yes, and the darn mosquitoes! Those buggers were shipped in because of a darn typo!”
“I’m happy to say concerned citizens have helped with the earthworm population, saving us thousands of dollars annually,” he said with a grin. “Volunteers, compost gardeners and cub scouts have lead the way with the earthworm catch-and-release program. My heart still sings each time one is returned to the wild. These magnificent beasts wiggling into the dirt will take your breath away.”
The grin disappeared as my lunch companion went on. “Believe me, no one wants to shift monies from the town actor funds. For years we’ve hired cute kids and athletic runners to fill the gaps in the weekend crowds. The better looking the actor, the higher the price tag. These are the ones we order. If you want one that is friendly and makes eye contact, the fee doubles. And the town foots the bill for those various sports uniforms you see the kids wearing, too.”
“Why, the number of actors needed for Christmas in Davidson alone is staggering. But, we can’t have a ‘crowd’ of only 40 or 50 locals for the Christmas scene downtown. So, the town will keep its good-looking, athletic facade of citizens. That project will continue as always with no reduction if funds. It is only the wildlife that will be drastically reduced.”
“Oh, I almost forgot, this program will help immensely when it comes to leaf collection in the fall. The altitude of the rockets can be reduced to explode above the top of the tree canopy. BOOM, BOOM, all the leaves are down. Everyone rakes their leaves to piles. The kid actors will have three hours to play in the leaves with giggles and screams. Then we seed the clouds. The tremendous wind proceeding the storm blows the leaves to a neighboring town that didn’t plan ahead like we did. Heh, heh, heh.”
Sliding the bill toward me, Mr. Daze concluded his argument. “You all desperately need to approve the Climate Control Committee’s proposal. Only then will Davidson truly be perfect just like Camelot, ‘Where once it never rained till after sundown.’ Just look out for town commissioners named Lancelot.”
Image may be NSFW.Clik here to view.
Image may be NSFW.Clik here to view.
Image may be NSFW.Clik here to view.
Image may be NSFW.Clik here to view.
Image may be NSFW.Clik here to view.
Image may be NSFW.Clik here to view.
