Isn’t winter wonderful?! I mean except for the freezing temperatures, short days and lack of flowers, it’s swell! Winter is also the crazy season that produced the death defying sport called snow skiing. I will never understand those who enjoy it.
Snow skiing’s cousin, water skiing, is great! You get to wear almost nothing as you skim along in the warm sunshine. If you happen to fall, it’s into splashy, fun water. OK, you may sometimes get water up your nose, but that’s about as bad as it gets.
Snow skiing is a totally different sport. I speak from experience. The first time I tried this insanity was back in high school. I eagerly joined a group going up to a local resort for night skiing. I had visions of impressing my boyfriend, Jack, as I zipped down the mountain like a snow bunny in a James Bond film.
Reality was a bit different. Instead of a snazzy snow bib, I looked bloated with my fuzzy Winnie-the-Pooh pajamas under my jeans and turtleneck. Rounding out the look was the beat-up rental gear from the resort. I had to shuffle with the herd in large damp rooms to retrieve it all.
Finally outfitted and ready to go, I took the beginners’ class. There I learned how to push my skis out in a big inverted “V” to stop. Sounded simple enough. Filled with confidence, I boarded the ski lift with Jack.
That’s when I learned there are no seat belts on ski lifts!!! Now, heights are not my best friend. Moving chairs that swoop people up into the sky are simply the work of the devil. I spent the entire ride painfully aware that one wrong move could send me plummeting to my death. I couldn’t wait to get to the top where they would stop the lift and let me off.
Then Jack told me to get ready to dismount. What? While it was still moving? Was he crazy? He gave running instructions and I managed to slide out of the seat, down the ramp and over to the side, where I fell. I thought this was no big deal until I tried to get up. My skis slid forward, backward and sideways as I tried to lift myself. The night’s falling temperatures had turned the snow warmed during the day into a thick layer of ice. With the help of ski poles and Jack, I finally uprighted myself.
That’s when I learned going down the mountain’s glass-like surface was going to be even more terrifying than going up. It was impossible to get any traction on the ice. So, I skied to one side of the path, fell to stop and then skied over to the other side to fall again. I was zig-zagging my way down, which was exhausting and not a lot of fun when Jack stepped in and gave me a pep talk. His advice was to conquer my fears and just go for it.
I was tired of my ski-fall routine, plus, I was young and foolish. So I went for it.
I headed down the mountain. It was fun. And fast. Really fast. Oh my gosh, too fast! I zoomed around slower skiers and kept building speed. I was nearing the end when I saw the line of beginners across the bottom of the slope. They were side-stepping their way over to the instruction area. I was headed straight for them.
I placed my skis in an inverted “V” to stop. It didn’t work. My skis just kept sliding over the ice. That’s when I decided to just ski between the beginners a millisecond away. Unfortunately, a really old woman (at least 30 years old) stepped as I was screaming past. I smashed right into her. Hard.
We landed with our skis tangled and our heads in opposite directions. Mine still worked. Hers didn’t. That’s right, she was out cold. With non-stop apologies I followed the ski patrol as they took her into the first-aid station. When the poor woman came to, she failed the pop quiz. “Did she know her name?” “Did she know her address?”
After a long wait, she finally remembered who she was. But, she kept asking what happened to her. The last thing she remembered was standing with her friends. With my millionth apology, I was asked to leave the dear woman alone.
I went back to the bottom of the slope where I found Jack and told him my woes. He thought I was kidding till I burst out crying. Stupid, stupid sport! One time down a freakin’ mountain and I almost kill someone!
This was a horrible winter adventure I will never forget. And to make matters worse, the place didn’t even have a hot tub!
